rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize