One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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