I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
