dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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