Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
