1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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