stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
