how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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