I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
