Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize