He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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