I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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