I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
