Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
