Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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