I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
