Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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