Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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