I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
