i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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