I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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