2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Randomize