he was CRYING into my vagina
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
