My liver just broke up with me...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
