your thong is hanging out like whoa
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
