Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
