I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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