All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
