I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
