i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
