i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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