Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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