Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize