Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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