I think I won the penis lottery.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize