he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
