You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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