so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize