According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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