I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize