Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
