ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
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