hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
