her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
