You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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