i love accidental penises.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
