i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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