The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
