The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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