She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
