Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
