i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
it was like eating out sand paper
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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