I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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