I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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