you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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