yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
