I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
