you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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