Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
